


missing everything we used to be (i reach out to empty air)

by merwinist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Death of a Friendship, Drabble, Gen, Light Angst, One Shot, Radicalization, Severus snape defense squad, introspective, ssds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:42:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29656335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merwinist/pseuds/merwinist
Summary: A small, possibly to be fleshed out later one-shot about how friendships die. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Relationships: Severus Snape & Lily Evans
Kudos: 3





	missing everything we used to be (i reach out to empty air)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [deathdaydungeon (Jaxon)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaxon/gifts).



> This was based off a meta post by deathdaydungeon and urupotter that was spawned from fanart by sneverussape on tumblr.
> 
> So, thank you to all 3 of you!

The first time Severus turns to make a snarky comment under his breath and finds an empty desk where he expects Lily to be is jarring, but easy to shrug off. His eyes flicker up rows of desks filled with brown, black, brown, blonde, black – there, close to the board. She’s laughing at something Mary Macdonald and Marlene McKinnon are showing her. He’s glad she’s making friends, even if he isn’t. Even if he’s sitting in the corner feeling the gap between him and his peers widen. Even if he’s alone.

The first time one of his housemates speaks _to_ him, rather than at or around him, Severus is tucked in a corner of the library, waiting for Lily to show up. Again. This time, they’re supposed to be getting an early start on deciding their electives for next year; he showed up early to find material on each field’s recent developments. As a result, he’s surrounded by stacks of books and doesn’t immediately register that someone has sat down until a stack is shifted. His relieved smile is entirely subconscious until he realizes it’s slipping back into his customary neutral frown at the sight of Regulus Black’s gaze trained on him. The boy is a first year but because of his family’s name and reputation, and the impending void from Malfoy’s graduation, he’s almost top of the food chain. There’s no reason for him to be talking to Severus. Then he opens his mouth, and Severus wants to deck him instead of just dismiss him. “Why do you let a Mudblood keep you from making proper friends when she can’t even bother to keep a promise?” Severus clenches his fists in his lap and sits there, unwilling to lower his social status in Slytherin to outright pariah by offending the baby prince.

The first time Severus and Lily fight and he doesn’t apologize first, they never exchange apologies at all. He can’t even remember what they fought about, just the fact that she ignores him for two months, well into summer break, and then rattles rocks along the gutter one night like nothing happened. At the time his relief outweighs his self-righteous bitterness, but there are more and more moments between them that make Severus realize he puts far more work into the friendship than she does. Even in his supposedly dark house, people have apologized for their treatment of him during his first year; his supposed best friend is too good to apologize to him?

The first time Severus feels like he actually belongs in Slytherin is over Christmas break his fourth year. _We all know you’re guaranteed for prefect next year, so as a token of goodwill to the future Rule Enforcing Bastard, Sly Class ‘78 presents you with a full brewing kit, including dragonhide apron and gloves with ten inches of give._ The note rests atop a box that’s far too small for what is supposedly inside it. His first instinct is to be suspicious, but he’s the only one in his year who stayed over the hols, so there’s no one waiting to get their kicks from his disappointment. He opens it slowly, peeling the flaps backward with uncharacteristic hesitance. The warm feeling in his chest doesn’t go away until Rosier shows up on the train next year with his badge. He packs away the gifts, telling himself he doesn’t deserve to use them until he’s actually achieved something.

The last time he begs Lily to listen to him instead of tolerate him on the way to other people, he’s on the edge of breaking. The Marauders want him dead. Actually dead. And the Headmaster just… Doesn’t care. Thinks they matter more than a filthy, poor Slytherin. He needs his best friend to be on his side, in this of all things. He’s putting as much urgency into his voice as he can. And still she brushes him off. Defends them. He goes blank, tunes out whatever she says, replies basically imperiod out of him. He finds himself, hours later, sitting on a couch in the common room staring into the fire, a blanket thrown over his shoulders and a mug – an actual ceramic mug, he must really look like shite if the posh bastards are giving up on making him use the nice porcelain – clutched tight in his hands. There’s a small circle of friends around him, people he’s just now able to see as who they are. The tea is prepared perfect to his tastes when he takes a sip. His voice is rough from disuse but steady with conviction and his eyes meet each of theirs confidently. “Tell me what would be expected of me.”


End file.
